No Matter What Keeps Me Up at Night…He Forgives

2018.09.02_No Matter What Keeps Me Up at Night…He Forgives_Megan Sinisi.jpg

One of the things that seems to be a part of my routine each night, is that I wake up, usually between 1 and 2AM, staring at those red digital numbers on my night stand, with a mind racing with thoughts and little desire to sleep.  Sometimes, I am fortunate enough to be able to change positions and fall back asleep fairly quickly.  But, most nights, I lay awake, an hour or two, sometimes three, processing thoughts that seem to dance to their own tune inside my head.  The thoughts can range from anything to, “How long is a giraffe’s neck,” (6 feet in case you’re curious) to “Why am I alive and why am I the way I am?” (I don’t have a clear-cut answer to these questions yet).  But, the majority of time I spend laying awake in the middle of the night, I am wrestling with something inside me that needs to be dealt with.

Maybe its my quickness to judge someone else.  I can be quite quick on the judgement and very slow on the mercy and grace of being a Christian. 

Maybe its my constant state of fear when God reminds me of things He has called me to do, and my lack of obedience in following through because of that fear.

Maybe it’s the rude tone I took with my kids, or the distance I put between myself and my husband because I didn’t get my way.

It could be the little white lie or exaggerated story I told a co-worker; the eye roll I gave to a comment that one person who rubs my nerves just enough said; or the looking the other way when I see injustice in the world, or right in front of me holding up a sign on the street corner. 

These are just teeny, tiny snap shots of things that I do in my daily or weekly life.  Definitely not the best track record, and it isn’t easy to write those things to share with the world about the reality of who I can be and who I am. 

But, this is reality.  I am a woman who wrestles with depravity, doing the wrong things, even when I know what the right thing to do is.  I am a woman who can be so selfish, inner focused, and working towards the things that are for my sole benefit.  I am a sinner.  I screw up.  Mess up.  Get dirty.  Hurt people.  Hurt myself.  I need a savior. 

Psalm 103 beautifully lays out in the beginning that I’m not suppose to forget the benefits of the Lord.  What are the benefits of the Lord?  Well, the author (King David) tells us in verses following, but specifically in verses 3 and 4, it tells me the biggest benefit:

“Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit.
Who crowns you with loving kindness and compassion;”
Psalm 103:1-4, NASB

The biggest benefit of knowing the Lord, walking in a personal relationship with Him, is that He pardons my iniquities.  He heals my diseases.  He redeems my life from the pit.  And not only does He do these things, but He crowns me with loving kindness and compassion. 

To be pardoned means that the authority in charge decided for me to no longer be held responsible of the guilt for an alleged crime or other offense; it’s as if the act never occurred. 

To be healed from my disease of depravity or sin, means to be made whole and restored. 

To be redeemed means that I regain possession of what was lost because a payment was made in exchange for my life. 

It is this truth from God’s Word that gives me hope despite the reality of who I am and the things that I wrestle with.  That Even If I screw up, do the wrong thing, sin, struggle with a character flaw, or disobey Him, God forgives.  He doesn’t look at me and say, “Well, Megan.  That was the bajillionth and one time you screwed up, and that’s the limit to My grace, love, and mercy.” Thank you Jesus that isn’t what He does.  Instead, He meets me where I am, forgives, reminds me He loves me, teaches me something, and we continue on our journey together as Father and King and His beloved daughter. 

His love and His forgiveness allow me to be accepted for who I am, right now:  A judgmental, lying, selfish, moody, disobedient sinner.  But it also gently moves me toward Jesus working those character flaws out of me and replacing them with more of His character.  When I acknowledge I need a savior and accept the forgiveness that is offered, it is then that I can walk in the freedom to be changed from the inside out.  It is then that I can be pardoned, healed, and redeemed.  And it is then that I am crowned with loving kindness and compassion that I am then able to extend to others as we are all on this journey with Jesus. 

I am humbled and so very thankful for His benefits, but His forgiveness is what allows me to draw close to Him to walk in a relationship with Jesus, and that, my sweet friend, is an everlasting benefit. 

Are you wrestling with things inside your mind and soul?  Have you acknowledged your need for a savior?  I encourage you to meditate on these thoughts.  If you have questions or would like prayer; I challenge you to reach out to someone you know, or a leader with Ignite Life, who will link arms with you to do so.  May you experience the fullness and wonder of the benefits of God’s forgiveness.


Megan Sinisi is one of our Refres{her} bloggers. She describes herself as a 30-something year old lady who is still figuring out who the heck she is and sometimes worries she is just crazy. Megan is a most of the time stay at home mom of 3 precious little _ tyrants ͟ whom she loves more than her own breathe and wife to an amazing husband. She absolutely adores a good cup of coffee, chocolate and peanut butter combinations, coloring, being crafty, figuring out homeschooling her children, being silly and laughing with her husband, and chatting with friends about embarrassing moments and deep things at the same time. She has a love and fervor for writing and is walking in faith that God is calling her to use the passion and the gift He has given her. She hopes that her journey encourages, challenges, inspires, comforts, and most importantly, shines the light of Jesus and the reality of His love, grace, and mercy. More writings can be found on Megan's blog at: Www.pearlsofmysoul.com